The Song of My Heart

I decided to change the song I am doing for my students recital. I made mention of it in my last blog. It was supposed to be "The Call"by Regina Spektor from the film "Prince Caspian." Well, my arrangement just wasn't working out, and I would have had to spend more time on it than I am able to. I switched to the Annie Lennox song "Into the West" from "The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King," a song that I have always loved. If you are familiar with the film, this is the song that is playing (without lyrics) around the time that Bilbo and Frodo leave Middle Earth with Gandalf and the elves. I believe it is also the first song that comes on (with lyrics) during the credits. (Yes, fantasy and science fiction are my favorite genres.)

The more I delved into this new song, the more I thought of Anika. It's interesting to me that all these songs that have always been so close to my heart are now the songs that are helping me through my grief, almost as they were written for me for now. So familiar, but they are speaking to my heart in a strange new beautiful and healing language.

This makes me wonder about the ways God prepares you for the events that will take place in your life. I have always loved these two songs, along with "Latter Days" by Over the Rhine and several others that have "fit the bill" lately. They are pictures of grief and hope. Did God plant a love of these songs in my heart because I would actually have a need for them later in life? I know God planted people in (and brought some back into) my life the last several years who I need now, women who understand what I have been through.

People tell me that they don't know how I get out of bed in the morning, that they wouldn't be able to put one foot in front of the other if they were in my shoes. I don't do anything except pray; God does the rest. I melt into a human puddle without Him lately. Sometimes I forget to pray for me, for my grief, and these are the times that I drown in it.

I digress...

Below are the lyrics to "Into the West." Though the whole song describes my emotions and grief, I have italicized the lines that grasp my heart a little more intensely. I know that Anika does not miss me, but I am not yet meant to fathom how that's possible. I only know my emotions and what we are capable of feeling in this life on Earth. Also the lyrics engrave breathtaking images in my mind's eye. The moon is high in the sky, and it is accompanied with shining stars, all reflecting off of the water, and there is no darkness. I see angels, beings of light and beauty, meeting Anika on the shores of an ocean so calm it could only exist in Heaven. They bring her onto a ship with sails as white and brilliant as they themselves, and they set sail into the mist.

"Into the West"

Lay down your sweet and weary head
Night is falling, you have come to journey's end
Sleep now, dream of the ones who came before
They are calling from across a distant shore

Why do you weep? What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see, all of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms, you're only sleeping

What can you see on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea, a pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home
And all will turn to silver glass
A light on the water, all souls pass

Hope fades into the world of night
Through shadows falling out of memory and time
Don't say we have come now to the end
White shores are calling, you and I will meet again
And you'll be here in my arms, just sleeping.

What can you see on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea, a pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home
And all will turn to silver glass
A light on the water, grey ships pass
Into the West

The Shadow of Myself

The word "shadow" has a lot of meanings. Here are two of them:

1 n. An area that is partially or totally unilluminated because of the [insert technical jargon here]
2 n. A trace, a remnant

Sometimes I am me. I make bad jokes, and then laugh at those bad jokes. I watch tv shows that make me laugh. I play the piano, sing, exercise, and pet neighborhood dogs. I try on every pair of shoes (that I like) in my size on clearance at Marshalls. I annoy my cats with silly songs and kisses on the head. (This is how I show love.) I smile. I am the "me" anyone would say they know.

Sometimes I am my shadow. I go for walks with my sunglasses on because the fresh air is healing, but I don't want others to see my tears. I go to Marshalls, but I skip the shoes and try on new fall clothes that are non-maternity only to find nothing fits right because my stomach is still stretched and saggy, and when I get back to the car, the tears flow. I hold my cats and cry. I avoid my neighbors. I sometimes play the piano, but my voice doesn't work for singing. My throat always aches because my eyes are always on the verge of tears. I try to smile, but that makes the tears that have been brimming in my eyes spill out. Most people don't know me this way, so I try to avoid them.

It seems my shadow is an river.

I always think I'm fine. I go through weeks of being me, and then my shadow creeps out. Always around the same time, too - the 10th of the month. Today is the 8th, so it makes sense that I'm unilluminated today. I feel desperate in these shadowy times, but I never know for what. I have been trying to figure that out for five months.

My shadow is generally shaped like me. At times, it gets stretched out too thin; at others, it gets flattened by larger-than-life emotions. My shadow is made of saltwater, tasting of earth and brine.

No, my shadow is not a river. My shadow is an ocean.

And sometimes I drown in my shadow.