Commencement

Today we are going to the SHARE Walk. We will be walking in honor of our precious Anika. Her name will be on the shirts we are given, and her name will also be called out in the Roll of Names. This will be the first time we've been there, so I imagine this to be like a Commencement ceremony. Anika's name will be on the graduating class's t-shirt, and when her name is called, it will mark her leaving our world and commencing her life in Heaven. Except instead of all the parents crying tears of joy or cheering when their child's name is called, they will cry tears of sorrow, and possibly moan or sob when they hear their baby's name.

How strange that in normal life, it's babies who cry all the time. In our world, the babies are gone, and it is we, the parents, who are crying.

Four of my friends brought their living and healthy babies in to the world this week. It has been rough. Two boys, two girls. Anika would have been their friend. Still when I imagine visiting with them in the future, I see Anika there. I imagine watching our future children and their cousin (maybe cousins some day) all running to the Christmas tree at Grandma and Grandpa's, tearing open their gifts, and I see her among them. When I picture our kids playing in the back yard, there is Ani, kicking the soccer ball like a champ. I still imagine teaching her silly songs on the piano and singing in the car with her. I can't help but to see these things because they were in my head for so long. When I remember that she will never be there, my grief is made anew.

When people don't understand why I'm still sad, or why this is such a huge loss, I wish I could express all of that to them. I dreamed all those things and so much more since I started thinking about what it would be like to be a mom, so probably when I hit my 20's. But those dreams were a future reality for 8.5 months. All that besides, I was pregnant for 8.5 months, and Ani only passed away 4.5 months ago. She was with me almost twice as long as she's been gone.

So today, we go and recognize Anika's class. Some of the parents we will meet today have children who have long since graduated from this world, but others will be parents of "newbies" to Heaven, just like us. There's a part of me that is excited to see her name on a t-shirt and hear her name spoken by someone I've never met. Today is a huge acknowledgement that my dear baby girl existed. The rest of me is anxious and sad. I don't know what to expect. But I have packed a lot of tissues.

Anika's commencement, and she won't be there.