Well, I'm not pregnant. It just seems so crazy. We barely touched each other and Anika was conceived; but this time it's been months that we've been trying, and we've got nothing!
That negative sign maimed my hope. There are so many things in my life this month that would have been so much easier on me if I were pregnant. I'm going to a friend's baby shower on Saturday, and one of my closest friends is going to be induced any day now.
Then I got the obvious negative sign, and this one killed my hope. This sign says, "You're going to be crampy for the next week, and those cramps are going to not only remind you that you're not pregnant, but they're also going to be so bad that they'll remind you of contractions and giving birth to your lifeless baby!" ...If Anika were alive, I probably wouldn't have a period at all right now because I'd be breastfeeding.
Anika would have been 4 months old in two days (the day of the aforementioned shower, by the way).
Andrew and I plan to release some balloons into the sky on May 10, 2012, the day Anika would have turned one. I pictured us standing there, Andrew holding 3 balloons - one from him, one from me, and one from Anika's newborn brother or sister. This didn't seem far-fetched to me. Most people I talked to were pregnant with in three months of their loss. If we had conceived a baby this month, the due date would have been May 5, and the doctors said they wouldn't let me go full term next time, so my vision would have easily been feasible. But now, IF we conceive this month, my due date will be June 14, and I doubt that the new baby will be out by May 10.
But I still worry - what if I'm not meant to be pregnant again? Everyone is praying for me to be. But everyone, including me, prayed for Anika's health. And "dead" ain't exactly healthy, is it? God doesn't always give us what we want, what we think we need.
I guess right now I just feel as though all hope is lost. I know that in a week, when we start trying again, I'll be full of hope.
The bubble has burst today, but tomorrow I'll start mending it, and soon enough it'll will be blown up again.
My daughter Anika was fullterm stillborn. This blog is about our griefs, pregnancy after loss (hopefully), and hope.
Oh girlfriend, although I did not go through the exact situation as you, I clearly remember trying multiple times, while using fertility drugs, taking multiple pregnancy tests to only see that darn negative sign. It really does suck all the hope out of you, but yet, you find more hope to try another month. I read a verse during that time that has stuck with me since. Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Ultimately, God has the big picture, and we only have this little snippet of a glance. Will continue to keep you in prayer.
ReplyDeleteKeep trying Megan! Don't lose hope. I love the idea of releasing balloons on Anika's bday. I take sunflowers to Kaitlyn's grave on her would be birthday. Are you going to the balloon release on Oct 15th?
ReplyDeleteDanelle - Sometimes I feel like I have no right to be discouraged or feel hopeless when I think about my friends who have tried for months, or even years to become pregnant. It's just that it happened so quickly with Anika, we had barely tried. I guess she just spoiled us in that area.
ReplyDeleteKelly - I don't think we are going to that, but we are attending the SHARE walk and the SweetPea dinner at Friendly's. Are you going to either of those?
I will be at the SweetPea dinner at Friendly's. Not sure about the walk yet. It's very emotional. I know I didn't go through what you did and I'm not quite sure if I can handle it.
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