A Suicidal Heart

I'm running into walls. Banging my head on the desk. Driving head-on into trees. Screaming until my vocal cords bleed. Convulsing with heaving sobs and rivers of tears.

Well, maybe I'M not, but my heart is.

I feel like it's getting harder. I miss my Ani more everyday. I know life isn't fair, so I won't complain about that, but sometimes the unfairness just seems a little more unnecessary than usual.

When we first came home from the hospital, after giving birth to Anika, it felt like we had just been there for complications and then we came home. We were still waiting for her arrival. Then I would see that my belly was no longer stretched and swollen, but saggy with extra skin, which forced the crushing reality on me. ...Other times, it was as if my arms knew that my body gave birth. "So...let me hold the baby!" they'd cry, so joyfully. But there was no baby to hold, and my arms actually ached.

I keep going back to those days in my mind, and I think while we were in the hospital, some parts of my heart were still joyous. My darling Anika was laying beside me. I took a nap with her on my pillow, falling asleep looking at my beautiful daughter. I got to introduce her to our visitors, some of whom even smiled when they saw her. It was like everything was going to be ok, because I had my daughter right there. I could hold her whenever I wanted, I could cuddle and kiss her, and we even celebrated her first 24 hours of "life." I'm so glad that there were times I smiled at her and treated her as I would have if she were alive. It sounds so strange, but I think God put that joy in my heart for those few days. I couldn't have done that by myself. He knew that being able to do those things, and be happy while doing them, would help me get through everything. Because Anika's short life is not a tragedy. It is a blessing.

But how I miss her. "Pain takes my heart's place."