Out of the Grief Hole

Every post I've made so far has been made while I was in my grief pit. Right now I'm out of the pit, so I thought maybe I should post how I feel when I'm not so "consumed."

While I was pregnant, I kept a journal. After Anika was born "sleeping," I continued to write in it. I had intended to give it to her one day, but now I don't know what I'll do with it. I want to share something I wrote in there. It's a list of wonderful things about Anika that I wrote down so that I could look at it and feel more comforted. Well, it didn't help. When I'm in the pit, I'm IN the pit, and no list of good things is going to make me feel any better. BUT on the days that I feel good, I can look at it and feel even better.

I write these with "My baby..." so that if any of you, my readers, have ever lost a child to miscarriage or stillbirth, you can put your child's name in there.

1 My baby knows God - she's "shaken His hand" and everything!
2 My baby hears the music of Heaven everyday. (I often wonder what that will sound like!)
3 My baby has never known pain, sorrow, or cold. My baby has never experienced hatred or cruelty.
4 My baby has never sinned; my baby is truly perfect!
5 My baby is MY baby - that makes her pretty amazing, no matter what!
6 My baby has never cried for anything because all her needs are supplied for her in Heaven.

And this is really just Anika -

7 Anika was born in the sac! If she had lived and grown, being our child (and having some mixture of our personalities), she would have thought that was hilarious!