Losing Anika

My daughter Anika Lenore was stillborn on May 10, 2011. She was 38 weeks gestation, which is considered full term. I felt her moving the evening before, and I had no idea when I went in for my regular OB appointment that morning, that I had lost my blessed daughter.

She was officially nameless when she traveled to Heaven, which breaks my heart. We had discussed name possibilities, and we were pretty settled on Anika Lenore the weekend before...which just happened to be (my first) Mother's Day. Anika Lenore means "Sweet Faced Ray of Light." And she is just that to both me and my husband Andrew.

At her memorial, we played the song "Latter Days" by Over the Rhine. The name of this blog comes from the first line. Here are the lyrics.

What a beautiful piece of heartache
this has all turned out be.
Lord knows we've learned the hard way
all about healthy apathy.

I use these words pretty loosely.
There's so much more to life than words.

There is a me you would not recognize, dear.
Call it the shadow of myself.
And if the music starts before I get there,
Dance without me. You dance so gracefully.
I really think I'll be ok.
They've taken their toll, these latter days.

Nothing like sleeping on a bed of nails.
Nothing much here but our broken dreams.
Ah, but baby if all else fails,
Nothing is ever quite what it seems.

And I'm dying inside to leave you
With more than just cliches.

There is a me you would not recognize, dear.
Call it the shadow of myself.
And if the music starts before I get there,
Dance without me. You dance so gracefully.
I really think I'll be ok.
They've taken their toll, these latter days.

Tell them it's real.
Tell them it's really real.
I just don't have much left to say.
They've taken their tolls these later days.

This song resonated with me when I first heard it, probably around age 16. I had no idea why. I had never felt the sorrow that it implies. I would play it on the piano and sing along, but there were lines I never really understood until now, at the age of 30. Fourteen years it has served as one of my favorite songs, and now it has more meaning to me than I will ever be able to express.

I am devastated, blessed, and forever changed by the love and loss of my first child. I am damaged, less shiny, and more quiet. However, I am more considerate, forgiving, and loving. And through it all, I still have joy and peace.